Coping With the Loss of a Loved One

Each year, more than 31,000 people in the United States die by suicide. It is this country's 11th leading cause of death overall and the 2nd leading cause of death in the 15 to 24 year-old group. There are more suicides annually in the U.S. than homicides and it is estimated that for every suicide, there are at least 8 people whose lives are traumatically impacted and forever changed.

The sudden and unexpected nature of the death leaves survivors stunned and troubled by the powerful emotions and reactions they experience, the most common of which are:

  • Shock- this is always the immediate reaction to suicide, along with a physical and emotional numbness. This is the body's way of temporarily screening out the pain so that it can be experienced in smaller, more manageable steps.
  • Guilt- this often surfaces as the feeling, "If only I had done....," or "If only I had said or not said...."
  • Anger- this may be part of the grief response, whether directed toward the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or oneself.
  • Depression- this often appears with symptoms of disturbed sleep, fatigue, inability to concentrate, change in appetite, and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
  • Relief- this may be a part of the reaction when the suicide followed a long decline into self-destructive behavior or mental illness.
  • Why?- all survivors struggle long and hard with this question and may never find an answer that is acceptable to them. However, the reality is that suicide occurs in the presence of mental illness or substance abuse problems, with the #1 cause of suicide being untreated or inadequately treated depression. 

Understanding and expressing these intense feelings, while learning about the causes of suicide, can greatly advance the healing process. Below are some suggestions for survivors:

  • Maintain contact with other people during the stress-filled months after a loved one's suicide. Friends and relatives may feel uncomfortable and unable to offer consolation. Take the initiative to talk about the suicide and ask for their help; it will also help them.
  • When you feel ready, share with your family and friends your feelings of loss and pain. Understand that each family member may be grieving in his or her own way.
  • Children experience many of the feelings that adults do. Remind them that they are still loved by sharing your thoughts and feelings with them and asking them to share theirs with you.
  • Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may be stressful reminders of the suicide. Plan these days to meet your own emotional needs.
  • You may need to feel guilty for awhile before you can accept the fact that you are not to blame and that you are only human, with human limitations.
  • It is worth trying to understand the feelings of the deceased, but no one gains when the struggle to understand the suicide becomes the only activity that seems worthwhile.
  • It is important not only to be able to go on with your life, but eventually to enjoy life again without feeling disloyal to the deceased.
  • The survivors of any death need comfort, support, and trusted listeners with whom they can discuss their grief. Unfortunately, the stigma of suicide often forces survivors into isolation, which is why many survivors find relief in support groups where they can voice their feelings and learn from the experiences of others.
  • Individual counseling with a mental health professional or clergy member is another option to help survivors through their grief.

A Bibliography For Suicide Survivors (the following books and videos are available at SOS meetings and may be borrowed):

  • Suicide Why? by Adina Wrobleski
  • After Suicide by John H. Hewett
  • Grieving A Suicide by Albert Y. Hsu
  • Grieving The Unexpected by Dr. Gary LeBlanc
  • Suicide Survivors: A Guide For Those Left Behind by Adina Wrobleski
  • After Suicide Loss: Coping With your Grief by Bob Baugher and Jack Jordon
  • No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One by Carla Fine
  • Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide by Christopher Lukas and Henry M. Seiden
  • Healing After The Suicide Of A Loved One by Ann Smolin and John Guinan
  • My Son My Son… A Guide To Healing After Death, Loss or Suicide by Iris Bolton
  • Recovering From Your Child’s Suicide by Morton A Schrag (pamphlet)
  • Do They Have Bad Days In Heaven? Surviving the Suicide Loss of a Sibling by Michelle Linn- Gust
  • Night Falls Fast- Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison
  • Andrew, You Died Too Soon- A Family Experience of Grieving and Living Again by Corinne Chilstrom
  • Our Forever Angel: Surviving The Loss Of A Loved One To Suicide by Barb Scholz
  • Standing In The Shadow: Help And Encouragement For Suicide Survivors by June Cerza Kolf
  • I Don’t Want To Talk about It: Overcoming The Secret Legacy Of Male Depression by Terrence Real
  • No One Saw My Pain- Why Teens Kill Themselves by Andrew Slaby
  • But I Didn’t Say Goodbye: For Parents and Professionals Helping Child Suicide Survivors by Barbara Rubel
  • Guiding Your Child Through Grief by Mary Ann Emswiler and James Emswiler
  • Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook For Kids Dealing With Loss by Michaelene Mundy
  • 35 Ways To Help A Grieving Child by The Dougy Center
  • After A Suicide: A Workbook For Grieving Kids by The Dougy Center
  • Someone I Love Died By Suicide: A Story for Child Survivors and Those Who Care for Them by Doreen Cammarata
  • Healing The Grieving Child’s Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends & Caregivers by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH. D.
  • Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Kids by Alan D. Wolfelt, PH. D.
  • What’s Heaven? by Maria Shriver
  • Fatal Mistakes: Families Shattered by Suicide (video)
  • Understanding Depression (video) 
  • Surviving The Loss of a Loved One to Suicide (video)